Ahahahaha I just went back and watched some videos I made pre-T and I don’t even recognize my voice. It’s not even just because it’s so high, it’s also really soft and like…smooth. WEEEEEIRD.
trans man vs ftm
With the term trans man, it’s really straightforward. It says, I’m a man who is trans. I feel weird about it being written as “transman” or “trans-man” because that makes it seem like it’s a category separate from “man”, as opposed to a descriptor of the type of man you are. If you’re a tall man you don’t call yourself a tallman or a tall-man, right? But anyway, trans man is a simple yet satisfactory label to me.
I have mixed feelings about ftm. Now, what female-to-male means to ME is basically that I have a body that is in the process of changing from being primarily affected by estrogen (“female”) to being primarily affected by testosterone (“male”). But that’s not how most people seem to understand it. Many people hear “female-to-male” and interpret it as “woman-to-man”. I feel like it gives people the idea that it’s ok to say that I “used to be a girl” and/or I am “becoming a man”. I hate that. I’m not changing my gender. I’m changing my body.
I don’t know where I was really going with this. I just can’t seem to shut up today.
-The whiny emotional voice I get when I’m fighting with someone doesn’t make me feel pathetically feminine now because it’s like an octave lower and noticeably hoarse.
-After I express negative feelings I’m pretty much immediately over it.
But now let’s talk about the fight I just had with my mom that made me notice these things:
I corrected her when she misgendered a trans person she was talking about. Then she immediately misgendered them again the exact same way so I corrected her again. Then she got all pissy and basically told me I was being unreasonable because it’s so hard for her. Look, I’m not a hardass or an idiot and I don’t expect every cis person to get everything right all the time. But when I just corrected you five seconds ago and you go and do the same thing again and then refuse to admit you did anything wrong, that’s fucked up. There’s a difference between mistakes that occur in the process of educating yourself and mistakes that occur because you can’t be bothered to make an effort.
But I just said to her (in my whiny emotional but now manly voice), “Listen, I know it’s hard for you but I don’t correct you to be an ass, I correct you because it hurts my feelings when you say stuff like that.” But I still don’t think she fucking gets it. Apparently her cis comfort zone is more important than anyone else’s feelings.
She does this ALL THE TIME.
So I have no idea what happened between now and a few months ago that made me pass so much better. Obviously the voice change helps but I mean I’m even passing better to people who haven’t heard me talk. Before I started testosterone I passed sometimes but it was more 50/50, and now it’s like I pass 95% of the time and I don’t know what has changed to cause that… I mean I’m not complaining, it’s great, but I just don’t understand what about my physical appearance has become that much more masculine. The only thing that would be visible to people when I’m out in public fully clothed is maybe my muscles being a little bigger but they’re really not that obvious… I don’t think my face has changed at all and any new body hair is underneath my clothes.
I guess I sort of feel like I’m missing out…where is this masculinity everyone is seeing? Because I’ve felt LESS male-looking than usual lately. :(
That last post I made about sex keeps getting likes and reblogs because I think people think it’s funny but I was actually serious and kind of bummed out when I wrote it.
My attitude about sex constantly wavers between “some day I’m gonna find someone awesome and open-minded to have lots of awesome, open-minded sex with” and “nope nobody is allowed anywhere near my genitals ever”
You know, a lot of times when I do clumsy things like running into stuff, it’s usually hitting my hip against something. It’s not hitting my head or shoulders, not my feet (ok, sometimes my feet). But I run into stuff with my hips more often than anything else.
I’d like to think it’s because my brain knows I’m not supposed to have hips like this and it forgets they’re there. In fact, I used to often lean forward against things and be surprised by my chest being there, so…there might be something to this theory.
Thank you for thanking me for my ramble! :)